Another Chance
by Shadow Masen
Summary: A hunting trip gone awry has serious consequences for Edward. A companion to "Given", written from Edward's perspective.
1. Chapter 1

It was a warm spring day and we were flying—hurtling through the forest at unbelievable speed. Bella was on my back, and I was basking in the exquisite feel of her warm skin against mine as we engaged in my very favorite activity.

Charlie had finally un-grounded Bella, so we were on our way over to my house after dropping Bella's school things off at her home. She had not been there since the night after our return from Italy, when she had treacherously convinced my family to vote on the fate of her mortality. I was still stewing about _that_, but today was our first day of real freedom together, so I was determined to enjoy it.

As I cleared the treeline, I almost stumbled—all of sudden I could feel the weight of Bella on my back, and my legs felt heavy. This was odd. Other than the delightful sensation of Bella's skin against mine, I usually couldn't tell that she was on my back at all, and I never felt any different, whether running or walking.

I slowed to a stop and lowered Bella from my back, trying hard to analyze what I was feeling. The minute she touched the ground, I unconsciously leaned over, my hands on my knees. I realized that I was out of breath, as if from exertion. What the _hell_ was going on? The curious heaviness remained in my legs, and I could feel it in my arms a bit, as well. I concentrated on slowing my breathing while I ran through a catalog of memories, trying to figure out if this had ever happened to me before. I reached back all the way to my vague human memories, and suddenly the answer hit me like a ton of bricks—I was _tired_. But how…? Before I got any further on that particular thought, I realized that Bella's eyes were on me, so I straightened up. After all the adventures we'd had over the last few weeks, the _last _thing I wanted to do was to worry her about anything.

"What's the matter?" she asked casually, her brown eyes filled with more curiosity than concern. Good, then she couldn't tell how unsettled I was at the moment—best to keep it that way until I had a better idea what had just happened. I shifted my gaze from Bella to the house behind her, idly wondering if I could talk to Carlisle from here in the low, swift cadence of vampires, and have him answer me in his thoughts without Bella taking notice. No, I decided, she was too perceptive for that, and I was too distracted by the strange sensations I was still feeling to delay discussing this with Carlisle, or to come up with a decent excuse to separate myself from Bella to talk with Carlisle alone.

"I…need to speak with Carlisle," I replied, trying to sound as normal as possible. I didn't think I quite succeeded.

"I'll come with you," she said firmly, putting her hand in mine. Yes, I had failed at feigning normalcy. She definitely knew that something was amiss. Still thinking hard, I allowed her to lead me toward the house.

We found Carlisle in his study, reading from his copy of "The History of Italy" by Francesco Guicciardini—a gift from Marcus. He looked up at our approach, and narrowed his eyes at me in concern. _What's wrong? _he asked me in his thoughts. I wondered what my expression had told him-I wasn't really bothering to control it, focused as I was on what I was feeling.

"I just ran over from Bella's", I said, pausing to choose my words carefully, "and…I think I'm tired,' I finished uncertainly.

Carlisle's thoughts flew immediately into the past, and I caught a brief glimpse of a man writhing in pain before he cleared the memory from his mind. He didn't clear his thoughts, however. _It could be rabies… It's the only thing I can think of, and now that I AM thinking of it, I'm surprised that it hasn't happened to one of us before now, with all the game that we hunt…_

_Rabies_? Vampires could get rabies from animals? How could he possibly know that, since this had never happened to one of us or to the Denalis and we were the only ones who hunted animals and not humans? I stared at him in shock, my eyebrows raised skeptically.

"What did you hunt this weekend?" Carlisle asked aloud, switching smoothly into his "bedside manner" mode.

"Deer, and then mountain lion—a special treat," I replied.

_Yes, that would be the most likely culprit. Considering Edward's fondness for them, I'm surprised that we haven't run into this before…I should have warned them all, but it honestly never occurred to me… _Continuing with his line of questioning, Carlisle asked, "was there anything different about this particular lion?"

"I don't…think so," I murmured, still digesting his thoughts, "do you really think it's possible?"

"I know it is," Carlisle responded gravely, "because I've seen it before."

Carlisle's thoughts returned to the writhing man, and I watched through his eyes as the poor fellow experienced periods of pain, and seemed to lose all strength. In Carlisle's last mental image, however, the man appeared to be back to normal.

Bella glared at both of us in turn and asked impatiently, "is _what _possible?"

Carlisle favored her with a smile, but he was still intent on his train of thought. He turned to me, saying, "we'll need the animal. Do you think your brothers can find it?"

Now wait just a minute! _Nothing _was truly wrong with me right now, and this whole discussion was just a theory in Carlisle's head. "_I_ can find it," I replied indignantly, but Carlisle shook his head.

"No, I don't want you to go anywhere until we know for sure," he said, the concern plain on his face.

Bella had reached her limit, and I realized that she had no idea what had just transpired between Carlisle and me, since most of it had occurred inside Carlisle's head. "_Wha_t is going on?" she demanded, shifting her gaze rapidly between the two of us.

How much should I tell her? This was just a theory after all, and I didn't want her to worry needlessly. On the other hand, it was the only theory we had, and I had promised myself that I would strive to tell her the truth whenever possible, after the horrible lie I had told her to convince her to let me go last fall. Yes, the truth, but softly.

I turned toward her, and met her gaze steadily as I replied, "Carlisle thinks there's a chance that I may have fed on an animal that had rabies this past weekend."

Her eyebrows knit in confusion, and I could almost see her mentally scanning through all her knowledge of vampires. "What does that mean…for you?" she asked, but I had no answer for her. I glanced at Carlisle.

He stepped around the desk and stood before us. "I saw this happen once before, during my time with the Volturi." I saw Bella flinch as Carlisle said the name, and I was assaulted by a fresh wave of guilt for ever putting her in a position to meet the Italian vampires.

Carlisle continued, "one of the guard fed on a human with rabies—in the 1750's it was much more common for humans to contract the infection. It's the only case I know of where a vampire became tired, and then weaker, other than from thirst."

"What happened to him?" Bella whispered, hanging on Carlisle's every word, just as I was.

"He experienced episodes of intense pain as the virus attacked his nervous system. Rabies works through the nerves rather than through the blood," he explained, "so we are still susceptible to it."

"And?" she prompted. Carlisle glanced over at me. _How much should I say aloud?_ he asked mentally. I thrust out my chin, giving him permission to continue.

"And he grew weaker with each episode, but eventually he was able to fight off the infection, and he recovered," Carlisle finished quietly. There was more to it than that, I was sure of it, but I'd ask Carlisle later when Bella wasn't with me.

I could see the tension settle in Bella's shoulders as she processed the information, and the worry followed quickly on its heels.

Sensing the need to lighten the mood, Carlisle turned toward me and smiled warmly as he clasped his hands together. "But first we need to find the animal so I can run some tests, and in the meantime keep Edward close and watch for other symptoms."

Carlisle squeezed my shoulder as he walked past, _don't worry, son, it's probably nothing. Maybe you're just having an off day, and need to go hunt again. I'll send Jasper and Emmett to find the lion and we'll put an end to this._

His words didn't particularly reassure me, but I realized that they might be enough to reassure Bella. I gave her my warmest, most endearing smile. "I'm sure it's nothing," I said confidently. "Jazz and Emmett will find the lion, and that will be the end of it." I did my best to affect a complete lack of concern. It seemed to work, because suddenly she closed the distance between us and put her arms around me, and I lowered my own around her in a solid embrace. The burn in my throat intensified as I rested my head gently on hers, inhaling her sweet scent through her luscious hair. She raised her eyes to gaze at me, and I smiled against her skin as she stood on tip toe and kissed me gently just below my lips. She was trying not to push me too far now, but the thought of something happening to me that might separate us even for a short time had pushed me past the point of caution for the moment. I leaned down until our lips met, and I kissed her passionately. Her heart began to race as her arms slowly slid up my back, and I knew in that moment that I would have let things go much further, but I could hear Carlisle and Alice approaching. Reluctantly, I pulled back from the kiss and let my lips linger closely for just a moment, inhaling her delicious breath as my throat seared in renewed flame.

I did not release her as they approached, but I lifted my head to acknowledge them.

_Please let this turn out to be nothing—I just couldn't bear to lose him_, Carlisle thought, but he caught himself as he saw me tense in reaction. _I'm sorry, Edward, please ignore my woolgathering_, he directed at me, shaking his head as if disappointed in himself. Aloud, he said, "Jasper and Emmett are on their way to the mountains—hopefully they'll return by tomorrow. In the meantime, Edward, I think you'll be taking a sick day from school."

I smiled ruefully. "Well, that will at least help my cover."

Alice snorted, and grinned at me playfully. "Bella can bring you your homework", she teased. _Maybe she can play doctor for you too… _I shot her a look of exasperation.

"Edward," Carlisle said, "I'd like to talk to you a little more about the hunting trip, and anything you might have noticed since then. Would that be alright?"

_Edward, I'll drive her home,_ Alice thought at me, all seriousness now. _ I promise I won't share anything I might see with her_. I nodded my head almost imperceptibly at her.

I looked down at Bella and sighed. "Well, so much for our first evening free of your living room."

"It's okay," she replied casually, "we've got a lot of evenings ahead of us."

Was she really not that concerned about this? She seemed to be taking it very lightly at the moment…but that just didn't seem like her. I looked into her eyes, but they were unreadable. For the thousandth time, I cursed the fate, angel or hag, who had seen fit to keep me out of the one mind that I most wanted—_needed_ to read. Well, she wanted me to believe that she wasn't concerned, so I would go with that for now.

I reluctantly removed my arms from her waist, but caught her hand as she stepped away, so that she would know I wasn't happy about this.

Alice stepped forward and volunteered, "why don't I drive you home, Bella?"


	2. Chapter 2

After Bella left with Alice, I followed Carlisle up to his study, and we sat together on his red leather settee. Usually we stood when conversing, as vampires don't really need to sit, so I suspected that he was still concerned about me being tired. I tried not to let my irritation show—I reminded myself firmly that it was not his fault that this had happened, and he was only trying to help me.

_Just in case_, he began, _I'm going to research this and see if I can find any reported cases other than the one I witnessed in Italy. I have a feeling that information will be hard to come by, though, considering that you would likely be the first vampire to be infected by an animal…was there anything different that you noticed when you hunted this weekend?_

"No…" I hesitated, "well, now that I think more about it, the mountain lion was on our way back. Emmett spied him tearing through the underbrush, and dared me to try and catch him. He was fast, faster than I'm used to and his running pattern was pretty erratic. He was a challenge to catch, and when I caught him, he actually turned and took a swipe at me." Carlisle's eyebrows rose.

"That's not unheard of," I said dismissively, "I've had that happen before, but not in a long while—I usually don't allow them the chance, but he got by me. I'd been thinking that the species was becoming less aggressive as time goes by."

_It's possible. Anything else?_

I thought hard about the details of that kill. "Well, the only other thing I can think of was that his growl was wrong. It had the pitch of a lioness, but he was definitely _not_ female."

_Hmmm…_ thought Carlisle, _both of the things you've described could be signs of rabies in an animal_. _I'll be happier when Jasper and Emmett get back._

"Could it be anything else that you know of?" I asked, wondering if he'd managed to conceal anything from me while I was too distracted to notice.

_No, there's nothing else that I know of, which could be better or worse. If it's rabies, then at least I know what we're dealing with, but if it's something else, I have no idea what will happen next, if anything at all. _He smiled at me kindly. _So, let's rule out the one possibility I can think of, and then wait to see if anything else unusual happens to you. It truly could be nothing, and it won't ever happen again._

I scrutinized him with my eyes. "And do you really believe that?" I pressed. If I had been unable to read his mind, he might have been able to deceive me just then, but thoughts are often too rapid to control.

_No_, he thought immediately, _I don't ._ He blinked as he realized that I was still following along in his head. _Dammit, Edward!_

I chuckled. "It's alright, I wouldn't have believed you anyway. I've spent enough time studying science and medicine to know that things like this don't just happen as isolated incidents. Something has changed, and we need to figure out what."

_You're right, of course_, he thought, and I could detect the pride he felt in both my conclusions and my handling of the situation so far. I smiled at him, despite myself.

_Well, until Jasper and Emmett return, I'd like you to stay around the house, but other than that I see no reason why you can't do whatever you'd like to._

"What about Bella?" I asked, wanting to see her again as soon as possible.

_You know you can't go over there,_ he thought. Of course, he was right. We had no idea what might happen next.

"Yes, I know," I sighed in resignation.

_But she can come here when she's able, until a few days pass at least, or something changes._

It was Tuesday evening, and I knew Bella had to work at Newton's tomorrow night, so it looked like it would be Thursday until I saw her again anyway. With luck, nothing would happen between then and now and Jazz and Emmett would return in the morning with the kill so the testing could be done quickly.

"Thanks, Carlisle," I murmured, as I stood up and headed for my room.

When Alice returned, she came to find me immediately—I heard her steps from the garage all the way up to my room, where I had been since my talk with Carlisle. I was listening to Debussy, whose melodies were usually able to calm me more than any other composer. It was working—I did feel a bit more relaxed, but I was still on edge thinking about being separated from Bella for so long, and wondering what might happen next.

Alice bounded into the room in her usual style, and wrapped her arms around my chest affectionately. As annoying as knowing your future could be, Alice's ability was a godsend in many ways. Like now, for instance, when I hadn't known that what I really needed was a hug from my closest sibling. I smiled, and my whole body relaxed as I leaned in to the touch. It wasn't Bella, but it was a different kind of love, and just as important.

_How are you holding up?_ she thought at me, as she pulled back a bit to look up into my eyes.

"I'm okay," I replied. It wasn't a lie exactly, since I didn't really know what I thought about the whole thing. It was a bit scary, but now that I felt normal again and nothing else had happened for a few hours, it was easier to dismiss.

She seemed satisfied with my reply, as she went to perch on the arm of my black leather sofa.

"Was Bella alright?" I asked, concerned that she might be making more of this than I was.

_She seemed fine, but she did ask me what I saw for you. _

"And?" I prompted.

_And I did just as I said I would—I told her that I couldn't see your future very clearly, which is actually the truth. _I scanned through the images in her mind, and I could see what she meant—when she thought about me all she got was a blurry haze.

"What do you think that means?" I inquired curiously.

_Well, usually it means that something sudden is going to happen that will affect the future—not a decision…something that can't be predicted. I _can_ see that it's going to take Emmett and Jazz a while to find your kill, though. They won't be back until Thursday morning._

"Damn," I said under my breath. That meant that we likely wouldn't have an answer before I saw Bella again, and that I wouldn't be back at school this week. What an inconvenience!

Well, now there was nothing to do but pass the time. Alice and I stayed in my room for a long while, just letting the music wash over us. The more time that passed, the more confident I became that what I'd felt was a fluke (maybe I'd just imagined it?), and I became more restless for this forced confinement to end. I passed the night on Tuesday and the day on Wednesday reading and listening to music—two of my favorite pastimes.

My frustration and my longing to see Bella grew as the hours passed, and eventually I found myself at the piano, my greatest refuge in times of stress. I worked diligently on a new melody I was composing for Bella, until late in the evening.

Suddenly, I began to feel strangely. The muscles in my arms and legs seemed to be tightening, as they would before a hunt, and I felt a tingling as of electricity under my skin. I knew I should call for Carlisle, but I didn't want to believe that this was related to what had happened yesterday. I rose from the piano bench quickly and headed for my room.

I had just crossed the threshold when the pain hit me, locking every muscle and dropping me to the floor face first. With great concentration, I was able to lower my hands and break the fall, but as I made contact with the rug the pain was excruciating. I squeezed my eyes shut and ground my teeth together to prevent myself from crying out, but I wasn't quite successful. "Aaahhh!" I heard myself cry, but I cut it off as quickly as I could. I realized then that I was convulsing—I had no control over my muscles, and could feel my limbs making contact with the floor. A sharp pain pierced my right wrist, but it was quickly lost in the chaos of agony that ripped through my body. I was suspended there for I don't know how long—completely out of control and able to do nothing but hang on and pray for it to end.

Suddenly, I realized that the clamor of white noise I had been hearing was replaced by Alice's thoughts.

_Is it over? He's stopped shaking, but now he's curled into a ball. Has it changed, somehow?_

I realized that the pain had receded, and now I was just clenched tightly against it. I slowly began to relax my muscles, relieved beyond measure that I had control of them once more. As I loosened my grip on my knees, I gasped as my right wrist screamed in protest. I remembered now that something had happened to it during the pain, and I held it close to my body with my other arm as I rolled onto my back.

As I opened my eyes, I found my head was in Alice's lap and Carlisle was crouched beside me, both of them staring at me with looks of mingled fear and worry. Carlisle recovered first. _Are you alright, son?_

I nodded, my eyes closing and my teeth clenching against the pain that still shot through my wrist. "Carlisle," I grated out, "can you check my wrist? I think I broke it and it's not set correctly…"

He immediately lifted my injured arm, and I winced as he gently probed the bones with his fingers. _You're right_, he thought at me. _Are you ready?_ I nodded again as I ground my teeth together in preparation for what I knew was coming next. I groaned in tandem with the metallic sound of the bones re-breaking as Carlisle quickly flicked my wrist and then re-set the bones in their proper place. The relief was immediate, and the pain faded quickly to a dull ache. It would heal quickly with only a little discomfort now that the bones were set in the right place.

"Thank you," I sighed in relief, closing my eyes once more.

"Well, I'll still test the animal when your brothers return, but at this point it will be a confirmatory test," Carlisle said softly. His thoughts were carefully controlled, but the concern was etched on his face.

"What happened?" I asked, meeting Alice's wide eyes for the first time.

"I couldn't see anything ahead of time," she explained. "There were no decisions involved here—no premeditation. I couldn't see it until you were already in pain, only seconds before we heard you."

"How long did it last?" I wondered aloud. I had no idea how much time had passed.

"About five minutes," Carlisle replied, still looking at me critically and assessing my condition.

"I'm alright now, really," I tried to reassure him, sitting up to drive my point home.

Carlisle extended his arm to help me up, and I accepted using my left arm—the right was still a bit tender. I wobbled as I got to my feet, and Carlisle steadied me as he maneuvered me over to the sofa. I sat down gratefully—I was not as recovered as I had thought.

"Edward, now that we know we're on this path, I'm going to need you to humor me about some things," Carlisle said gravely.

"Such as…?" I replied, trying not to let my frustration at the situation direct itself toward Carlisle.

"Well, first of all I'm going to require that you rest from now on. I know you would prefer to be in your own room, so I'm going to set up a bed for you in here."

I glanced at him sidelong—I was still having trouble accepting that this was really happening to me. He put his hand on my shoulder. _This is likely going to get worse before it gets better, and I think you need to conserve all the strength you have now. I'm so sorry that this has happened to you. I truly never put two and two together between the rabies case I saw in Italy and the possibility we could contract it from animals._

"It's not your fault," I reassured him, because really it wasn't. "Rosalie and I have both studied medicine, and it never occurred to us either. We'll learn from this and if we're lucky, it won't happen again," I smiled, hoping he perceived more optimism in my words than I truly felt.

"I'll arrange everything, and be back shortly," he said as he rose from the sofa, giving me a warm smile as he left the room.

Suddenly, my head was filled with what sounded like a translation of the _Magna Carta_ into German. Alice paused as I fixed her with my glare. "You know, there are only two ways that I can really see this turning out, so unless you've discovered a third one you might as well show me what you see", I said patronizingly, not really in the mood for games.

Alice gave me her attention now, and the _Magna Carta_ was replaced by two separate visions. One was of me lying on a hospital bed, a smile on my face, my eyes bright red?!, chuckling at some joke made by someone I couldn't see. The other one was of me on the same hospital bed, sunken into the mattress, my eyes closed and Bella leaning over me shaking with grief. I flinched away from the second image, even though I had known that it was one of the possibilities.

"I'm sorry, Edward, I had thought that seeing it might make it too real for you right now," she said, the worry plain in her voice. "As you guessed, these are the only two possibilities I see, and a decision or decisions will tip the scales either way. I can't yet see whose decisions, but maybe I'll be able to tell as we get closer."

She slid across the sofa and put her arm around my shoulder. "You just do as Carlisle says, and let me worry about the future, okay?" she mock-scolded me. "I'll let you know if there are any changes, so you can be prepared," she said more seriously. _ I don't want to lose you_, her thought echoed through her mind as she squeezed my shoulders, bounding up from the sofa and out of the room. I realized as she left that I needed some time to myself—she must have seen that too.

I leaned my forehead on my hand, my mind whirling with what had just happened. So I'd been infected with rabies and it could kill me, or whatever you wanted to call it since I was already dead for all intents and purposes. But I was still sharing the life I had with Bella, and now I wanted it that way, more than anything else. It was one thing to decide that I was no good for her, and to try to leave her, or for her to decide to leave me. It was quite another to have it forced upon us, as it had almost been when James had tried to take her away from me, or when the Volturi had threatened to kill her. The same feelings of anguish coursed through me now as they had when I entered the ballet studio and saw her lying there on the floor, but now it was even worse. Now I knew that she would have to watch me leave her unwillingly, and be left with the choice of what to do in the aftermath.

I couldn't bear the thought of her taking her own life—it had almost destroyed me when I had believed that she'd killed herself jumping off a cliff last spring. I couldn't live without her, but somehow the thought of her taking her own life after I was gone was in no way the same as what I had tried to do in Italy. I was already dead and she was still alive. I was forever altered by my love for her, but I still believed that in time she could live without me, if only she'd give herself the chance to try. I would have to talk to her about this, make her see that it wasn't the same.

Now my thoughts turned selfish—I wasn't ready to stop existing. I had walked this earth as a vampire for 80-odd years, and before I met Bella, I wouldn't have batted an eyelash about my existence ending, monster that I was. But now, now I had something to _live _for. And I wanted it more than anything. I wanted to spend the rest of her life with her, vampire or human, and I wanted the chance to fight to keep her human. I wanted to be intimate with her, as much as possible if she were human, or to the full extent of my abilities if she were vampire, and satisfy the desires that waged war in me…well, in both of us. And I wanted to know everything about her, and become so close that we knew each other's thoughts and feelings instinctively, the way couples do after long years together. I wanted all of those things, and where yesterday they were mine for the taking, now I would have to fight for them.

And I _would_ fight for them—the only other instance we knew of where a vampire had contracted rabies had not ended in death, so I resolved myself to not let my thoughts stray in that direction. I would just have to wait this out, and then everything would be fine again.

Carlisle and Rosalie arrived then, carrying a hospital-style bed between them, and I groaned inwardly. This was going to be a _long_ week. Rosalie's thoughts were surprisingly kind. _I'm so sorry about this, Edward, it could have happened to any of us, _she directed at me, but then that was immediately followed by, _but I'm so glad that it wasn't me or Emmett_. Typical Rosalie.

Rosalie left immediately, but Carlisle stayed to help me get settled in the bed, and likely to ensure that I actually followed his directions. He raised the mattress into a sitting position, and as I lay back against it his thoughts journeyed to the last day that he'd seen me lying on a bed like this—the last day of my human life.

I hadn't seen these images in his mind in many years, and they were rather startling given my current situation. I recoiled from the image of me looking so helpless—I didn't want to repeat it, and I didn't want to remember. His thoughts then shifted to my mother, seated in a chair beside me. I could tell that she was ill too, but still she sat at my bedside, wiping my fevered brow with a cloth. I hadn't seen this image in many years either, and my own memories of my mother were not nearly so clear, viewed through my then-human eyes. But Carlisle's memories were vampire-crisp and clear. "Thank you," I murmured quietly.

_You're welcome_, he replied, allowing the image to gradually fade. _I've been thinking_, he continued, _I think it would be wise to try and make sure that you don't break any more bones when you're in pain. I suspect that your ability to heal will slow down as this progresses, and we don't need any further complications._

I flexed my wrist unconsciously as he thought this, and I noticed that when I extended it all the way back I could still feel a twinge of discomfort. That should have been completely healed hours ago. He was right.

_Was there any warning last time?_ he questioned.

"Yes, actually, there was," I replied sheepishly. I was a bit embarrassed now that I'd not called for him immediately. "I felt my muscles tightening a few minutes before the pain started, and it felt as if my nerves were tingling. I had enough time to get from the piano to my room at human speed."

He eyed me condescendingly. _Information I could have used the last time we spoke… _he chided gently, _but useful nonetheless. I was going to suggest that we restrain you, but if you have a little warning then I would just ask that you call for me the next time, so that we can keep you from hurting yourself._

"I will, I promise," I said earnestly. I had no wish to make this any worse than it had to be, and now that we knew what it was I was more open to accepting help.

_Good_, he answered. _Is there anything I can do for you?_

"Hand me that copy of _Wuthering Heights_ on the table?" I replied, as his eyebrows rose questioningly.

"Don't ask," I muttered in exasperation, as he passed me the book. He left me to my reading, and I spent the night reading the book from cover to cover. I had to wait until after school at least to see Bella, and the hours seemed to drag by.

At about five in the morning, I felt my muscles begin tightening up again, and the electrical tingle spreading through my skin. "Carlisle," I called softly, and by the time the convulsions began Carlisle must have arrived, because I felt my limbs being held to the bed. I knew I was crying out from the pain, but I had even less control than the last time—thankfully Carlisle was there to make sure I didn't hurt myself.

When the pain finally lessened I was panting from the effort of endurance, and my throat felt raw from overuse. As I lay there trying to slow my breathing and gather my wits, the voices erupted around me.

_Wow._

_Could this really happen to any of us?_

_Oh my poor Edward, what can we do to help him?_

_It looks like there was no external damage done…_

I opened my eyes to see Alice, Rosalie, Esme, and Carlisle standing over me, trying to erase the shock from their expressions.

I sighed uncomfortably. This was turning into much more of a spectacle that I had bargained for. As usual, Carlisle recovered himself first.

_How are you feeling?_ he asked me, affecting casualness.

"I'm fine…now," I replied hoarsely, although my arms and legs felt a little shaky after all the motion, and I was still tensed against the pain. I forced myself to relax completely, and my family responded by releasing their grip on me.

I closed my eyes. I was _tired_. I lay there breathing deeply as everyone wandered away to give me some time to collect myself. The pain I could handle, but the way I felt now was truly frightening. I raised my arm experimentally from the bed, and it shook with the effort. I quickly returned it to the mattress. Weakness was something I'd not experienced in more than eighty years, and I did not take kindly to it. I wanted to get up and run, but I knew that was out of the question. I tried to distract myself by picturing Bella sleeping in her room, but that only made me long to see her all the more. I trembled now, but with frustration.

After a few hours of letting my thoughts chase each other around in my head, Carlisle reappeared in the doorway.

_Feeling better?_ he inquired as he walked to my bedside. I sat up further on the bed, and found to my great relief that my arms no longer felt shaky, and would support my weight.

"Yes, actually," I replied, a bit surprised myself.

_Emmett and Jasper came back this morning. It took them a long time to find your kill._

"Yes, I knew it would," I replied, "Alice told me they'd be back this morning."

_I saw no outward signs of disease on the animal, so you didn't miss anything, _he continued_, I sent the blood out for testing a few hours ago._

"Thank you, Carlisle," I returned, although I wasn't sure that it really mattered now.

_Alice called. She's bringing Bella over after school._

Oh thank God, it was almost Thursday afternoon! I couldn't _wait_ to see her. This was the longest that we'd been apart since before Italy, and the separation had become its own pain over the last two days. I hoped that she wouldn't be able to see any difference in me—I was fairly confident that I could see her without scaring her.

Carlisle had other things on his mind, however. _Edward, I think you need to hunt again, _he said, breaking into my reverie. I looked at my own reflection in his mind, and I could see that my eyes were coal black. And, now that he mentioned it, I could feel the low burn in my throat, even though no humans or other animals were near. That was the usual signal that it was time to hunt, and I audibly swallowed the gush of venom that followed the thought. But I had just hunted four days ago. Wow.

"You're right," I replied hesitantly, "but do you think I _can_ hunt?"

_That was going to be my question to you_, he replied, looking at me critically. _I think you should try before Bella comes over…I'm…concerned…about her visit._

"How so?" I asked with trepidation. I needed to see her now—more desperately than ever.

_Well, this infection won't only take away your physical strength, it will likely compromise your mental capacity as well… _he thought hesitantly, but he didn't need to continue that thought. I knew where he was going.

"You're afraid I might not be able to control myself around her, particularly if I'm thirsty," I concluded, the exasperation I felt at not being safe for my own girlfriend coloring my voice.

_Yes, but it's more than that. I don't think you can afford to expend the energy it takes to resist your own impulses right now, and she's your biggest temptation, to put it bluntly._

"Carlisle, I _need_ to see her," I answered, almost pleading.

_I know, I know_, he replied, _and I'll find a way to make that happen. For now, let's see if you can hunt_.


	3. Chapter 3

Carlisle extended his hand to me, and I was able to stand easily. The weakness I had felt earlier had all but disappeared, and I said a silent prayer of gratitude for small favors. We walked from the room and down the stairs, proceeding at human speed until we got outside. Emmett and Jasper came up behind me as I crossed the back deck toward the rail.

_Hey bro, rotten luck. _Emmett had a gift for speaking his mind, in the most honest way possible.

I chuckled, "yes, luck would seem to be something I lack these days," I replied sardonically.

_It'll pass, no big thing. _This was from Jasper, and I felt his calming influence surround me. I grinned at him.

_So, let's go hunt something boring and tame, like deer, _Emmett directed at me, and he and Jasper took off running, vampire speed.

I tried to follow them, but all of a sudden I wasn't coordinated enough to do it. I was running, but it was human speed, and not very steadily, even for a human. I stumbled clumsily over a tree root, and I was already panting from exertion. This was _not_ going to work. Emmett and Jazz stopped when they realized that I wasn't following, and were back with me in a flash.

_You can't run with us, can you?_ Emmett thought bluntly. Emmett always got right to the point.

"No, I can't run with you," I replied, a huff of frustration escaping from me. Now what were we going to do? I needed to be strong to fight this stupid infection, and I needed to see Bella to keep me sane. The multiplication of problems was making my head spin.

Carlisle ran up to us at that moment. _I was afraid of this. _"Well, we'll have to come up with another solution for Edward," he conceded, patting me on the back as he said so. "Let's go back to the house."

As a concession to me, we all walked back at human speed. My level of frustration was dangerous. I desperately wanted to hit something, and I surely would have, if I hadn't been afraid of breaking another bone in the process. I had no idea what my level of strength was right now, so it was probably best not to go around trying to put my fist through things.

I stalked to my room, and flopped down on the sofa. I was embarrassed. This weakness was humiliating, and I didn't know how to deal with it. It was as if I were human…and suddenly I thought of Bella, and all the times I had scooped her up into my arms and run with her. She lived with this kind of weakness every day—it was part of _being_ human. I was a bit chastened by the thought. If she, and all humans, could live their entire lives without super strength and the ability to run like the wind, surely I could endure it for a few days.

I sighed. There was still the problem of how to safely see Bella. Since I couldn't hunt, I already felt I was dangerous to her without the added complication of potentially compromised willpower. The low burn continued in my throat, and I had to swallow more often to control the flow of venom. Experimentally, I reached over and pinched the filigreed end of one of the designs on my wrought iron end table next to the sofa. I had to press a little harder than I thought was normal, but the iron still crumbled to dust under my fingers. _Yep, still strong enough to kill her with my bare hands._ Maybe Carlisle would have some ideas.

I called him, and he appeared at the doorway in an instant. I knew that he had wanted to talk to me when we returned from my failed attempt at hunting—he was just giving me the time I needed to get my emotions under control. As he entered the room he gave me his best doctor's evil eye, and I warily got up from the sofa and returned to my shiny new bed. Fantastic.

But I didn't have time to belabor the point—Bella would be here in less than an hour. "Any ideas?" I asked curiously.

_A few…_ he returned. _I'm sure you know what the safest one is… _

"Yes, but let's assume that that one's not a viable option," I said with chagrin.

_In that case, I have a few ideas, and I doubt you'll be fond of any of them. _He eyed me skeptically. I waited for him to continue—now was not the time to argue. _Since we haven't solved the hunting problem yet, we need you to not be tempted by Bella's scent, both for your sake, and for hers._

"Agreed," I conceded willingly.

_So, I suggest that we place a fan here in your room, behind you, so that when she comes in her scent will be blown back out the door behind her instead of in your direction. It might not prevent her scent from reaching you, but it should be much better than nothing at all._

This wasn't so bad. "Sure, I let's do that," I agreed.

_The second thing that she needs to do… _I could tell he was setting this one up so that I couldn't refuse it_. …is to keep her distance from you, about ten feet away ought to do it._

"Ten feet?!" I exclaimed.

_Yes, ten feet, _he reiterated_. Do you want her to be safe or not? At that distance, you can't reach her easily in a moment of weakness, and she will have time to react should that happen. The distance will also increase the odds that her scent doesn't drive you crazy while she's here, _he finished.

"I'm sorry, Edward, but I think this is the only way for today," he said gently.

I lowered my head in defeat. He was right and I knew it. She needed this to be safe, because I honestly didn't know how much control I had right now. At least I would get to see her.

_Alice and I will explain it to her when she gets here…I'm sure she'll understand. How much else do you want me to tell her, if she asks? _

"I think I'd prefer to tell her what I want her to know, if you don't mind," I replied, still unsure of exactly how much that would be.

_Of course, _he returned, as he turned his head to the sound of an approaching car_. I think I hear them coming now,_ he thought as he disappeared from the room.

I laid my head back against the pillow. What exactly was I going to tell her? How could I not scare the bejesus out of her with this, but not lie to her at the same time? Half-truths seemed like a good option—I was good at that kind of dissembling.

I heard her footsteps in the hallway. Showtime… As she rounded the corner, I sat up straighter on the bed and did my best to dazzle her with my smile.

It seemed to work, as she grinned back at me and came towards me, but I saw her gaze fall on the fan, and then on me, examining the color of my eyes. She stopped suddenly, but her scent kept coming. I closed my eyes as it washed over me in a shallow wave, and my throat exploded in flames. I swallowed the gush of venom convulsively, and locked my muscles in place against the urge to spring from the bed. But as she stayed where she was, the scent dissipated quickly, and I was able to regain control in a handful of breaths. The burn remained, though.

"How are you?" she asked abruptly.

"I'm mostly alright," I replied with a boyish grin. I glanced down at the hospital bed. "Carlisle has…convinced me to conserve my strength, as this is likely going to get worse before it gets better." _Half-truth, half-truth…_

"Are you in pain?" she asked bluntly, the concern plain in her voice.

"It comes and it goes," I responded airily, with a dismissive wave of my hand. _Please let that one get by her…_

"And when it comes?" she persisted.

_Damn._ "When it comes it's…bad enough, but nothing I can't handle," I replied confidently, but telling half‑truths to Bella was much harder right now than I remembered it being. I broke eye contact too quickly, and I knew that she didn't completely believe me.

"You haven't hunted…" she observed, obviously waiting for an explanation. I guess Carlisle really didn't tell her anything she didn't need to know immediately.

"I…can't," I answered delicately, and I ducked my head in shame before raising my eyes to her again. "I'm not my usual speedy self right now, and Carlisle doesn't want me to be out in the woods when…" _Too much honesty, stop right there!_ I hesitated, then quickly finished, "Carlisle will find an alternative."

"Oh," she replied.

I could see where this conversation was headed, and I really didn't want to go there right now. Before she could formulate her next question, I rapidly changed the subject. "So how has school been these last few days?"

She gave in gracefully and began telling me about all the details of her week. I was happy to turn the conversation, and my own thoughts, away from myself for a while. That way I could pretend for a few moments that things were back to normal.

But it didn't last. As I listened politely, I felt my muscles begin to tense, and the electric charge shot through my body. Not now! This would scare her to death—I didn't want her to see this! I knew I had only a minute or two, and I could feel the pain already building. I balled my hands into fists, and pressed them firmly into the mattress to keep my arms from shaking. I clenched my teeth against a cry of pain, and interrupted Bella as calmly as I could manage.

"Bella, could you fetch Carlisle for me, please?"

She nodded mutely, turning to do as I bid, and at that moment both Alice and Carlisle hustled into the room. Alice moved in front of Bella, as Carlisle came to my bedside.

_Are you in pain, Edward?_ he thought at me, and I nodded once, tightly, desperately trying to hang on for another moment until Bella was out of the room.

Carlisle spoke in a voice lower than Bella could hear, "Jasper, Emmett, I need you," and as Alice and Bella reached the door Emmett and Jasper appeared.

Jasper shut the door behind Alice and Bella, and I closed my eyes in relief that Bella wouldn't be here to see this. And that was the last coherent thought I had as the pain took me. I tried hard not to cry out, knowing that Bella was still in the house, but again, it was beyond my control, my willpower as much under attack as the rest of me. It lasted longer this time, and reminded me strongly of the pain of my transformation so many years before. It was a single point of agony that seemed to go on forever, until suddenly, there was nothing. It was as if an orchestra had stopped playing in the middle of the thematic climax. The silence and absence of sensation was just as deafening as the pain itself, and it took me a moment to realize it was over.

I lay there for a long time, eyes still squeezed shut, vainly trying to slow my breathing and unclench my muscles. It took much longer than before, and when I finally managed it, I trembled from the exertion. This was _not_ good. I wished I could sleep, more at that moment than at any time since 1918. I was _so_ tired, but there was no relief from it, not for my kind.

Carlisle touched my forehead, and I opened my eyes to gaze up at him. We both knew now that this was deadly serious, and getting worse by the hour. I swallowed audibly against the inferno in my throat, and Carlisle abruptly left the room.

He returned rather quickly, alone, a glass of what looked, and more importantly smelled, like human blood in his hand. He approached me slowly, and as the glass got closer my throat seared in response. I fought desperately against the urge to grab it from his hand. "Carlisle…" I said pleadingly, hoping that he'd know the rest of what I wanted to say without making me try to say it past the burning pain.

Of course he knew. _Edward, it's alright. It's human blood, but it's donated—no one died to give it to you. I picked some up from the hospital yesterday, in case we needed it for this purpose. You can't hunt, and we've explored the options of bringing game here, but I don't think you'd be able to handle it. Besides, I think the human blood will be better for you now, to help you fight the infection._

"But…" I rasped out, and he completed my thought again, _yes, it goes against what we believe in, but since it doesn't harm any humans I would rather do this than see you suffer this way. Please, take it._

Absolution from Carlisle was all I needed to convince me—he brought the glass to my lips and I drank greedily. I moaned with pleasure as the delicious flavor smothered the flames in my throat, and replaced them with the smooth, silky feeling only a coating of human blood can give. It was like nothing else. It was impossible not to enjoy it, even under the circumstances. I moaned again as I finished the glass, and rested my head back against the pillow, sated.

I knew in a few minutes that my eyes would be bright red, and everyone in my family would know what Carlisle had done. Perhaps he had discussed it with them earlier, and they'd all decided that it was the best course. I knew I hadn't been an objective decision maker, the state I was in, so the decision must have already been made _for_ me before Carlisle entered the room. And he knew it too—he'd had no intention of allowing me to resist, and I read in his thoughts now that he was surprised that I had managed to question him. I smiled at the backhanded compliment.

The influx of human blood had managed to calm the shakiness of my limbs, but I still felt dreadfully tired. I lay there for a long time with my eyes closed, happy to be free of the pain, in my throat and everywhere else. Eventually I called for Alice, and she came and sat with me for a while. I passed Thursday night and most of Friday that way, with one episode of pain early Friday morning. It was a sunny day, so my siblings stayed home from school, and I was glad to have them around the house.

As late afternoon drew on, the pain took me again and left me wrung out and gasping. This was the fifth time in three days, and I was about at the end of my rope. When would this end, and how? The pain was just as intense as it had been the first time, but I could tell that Jasper, Emmett, and Carlisle did not have to restrain me as much as they had before. My nerves were losing their ability to respond to the pain and activate my muscles, I was sure of it. And I knew now that I was too weak to leave this bed under my own power, even after I drank the blood that Carlisle was about to bring me. I thought it was time to talk to Carlisle about the details of how this might end. I hadn't been ready to think about it before, but suddenly I needed to know.

He brought me a cup of blood to drink, and after I was finished I asked him to stay with me. "Alice talked to Bella a little while ago. She's going to come over in the morning," he told me, delaying the inevitable. He knew what was coming. "You want to know how this might end, don't you?" he inquired perceptively, fixing me with his gaze.

"Yes," I replied, staring at a picture of Bella on my dresser, unable to meet his eyes.

"I'll be honest with you, as I always have," he said kindly. "As the infection runs its course, you will grow weaker, as you have been, but your mind will start to be affected. Maybe you've already noticed that. The infection will eventually be eradicated by your natural defenses, and at that point you will either grow stronger again or…"

"Or?" I persisted, needing to hear him say it.

"Or, you will drift away. Lose consciousness and never wake again. At least that's what I think would happen. I've never seen it, so I don't know for sure, but the fellow in Italy came very close to that."

"How so?" I asked, again needing to know everything I could.

"Do you remember how Bella was last year when she was on morphine in the hospital?" he asked.

"She faded in and out of consciousness, and had no real idea what was going on most of the time," I related, and all of a sudden I could see the parallel that he was trying to draw.

"No…" I drew back in horror. That couldn't be where this was headed. How awful! I didn't want to die that way, not even knowing that it was the end.

"I'm afraid so," he confirmed. "It will likely happen within a day or two, and I wanted to prepare you for it."

I nodded my thanks, still a bit stunned by the revelation.

"Is there anything I can do for you?" he asked, resting his hand on my shoulder protectively.

"No," I replied quietly, "I think I'd like to be alone for a little while."

I closed my eyes and felt him squeeze my shoulder as he left the room. I tried hard not to think for a while, to just relax and recover a bit, but it was nearly impossible.

Again, it was time to wait. The waiting was really the worst part—there was nothing I could do but wait for the illness to have its way with me. It reminded me rather painfully of my last days as a human. I had lost that battle, but Carlisle had been there to save me, to bring me into a new life. There was no one to save me this time, nowhere new for me to go. I wondered anew if I still had a soul. I didn't really believe that I did, maybe because with belief in my own soul came responsibility for all the lives I had taken, during my rebellion from Carlisle. I could not rationalize that human beings were made in the image of God, and yet God had created a monster that preyed exclusively on them. It made no sense. We had to be an abomination of nature, a mistake in the design, gone horribly awry. If there even was a God…

Either way, there was nothing I could do about it. It was whatever it was, and I had done what I had done, and there was no way to alter any of it. It was not worth dwelling on.

But Bella, there were so many things I wanted to do with her, so many things I still needed to say to her! How could fate be so cruel as to let us survive James and the Volturi, but end my existence using an enemy that I couldn't even face. It _was_ cruel. That got me back to thinking that there _was_ a God, and that this was my punishment. Yes, that would be about right. Give me the girl of my dreams, let me fall in love with her, strengthen my relationship with her by forced parting and then a struggle for our lives, and then end it all right when it seemed as if we could be happy. I couldn't think of a way to cause me more pain, with the possible exception of if she had killed herself last winter and I'd been forced to live on without her. Those had been the worst days of my life, but somehow envisioning the pain she would go through having to watch me drift away was worse. I wrapped my arms around my chest and felt my breath begin to hitch as I released the emotion in the only way I could. I stayed that way for a long time, until I felt empty. I closed my eyes and waited for the dawn to come, and bring me my Bella…


	4. Chapter 4

By the time I heard Bella's truck pull up, I had regained control of myself, and some sense of perspective. If I wanted her to believe that everything would be fine, even though I wasn't so certain, I would need to put on a good show. That was the plan, anyway.

I listened while Alice met Bella at the door, and took her to Carlisle.

"Carlisle," Bella choked, and I squeezed my eyes shut in frustration at the sound.

"It's alright, Bella. This has just taken more out of Edward than I had hoped it would. The episodes of pain have gone on longer than I would have predicted, and he continues to grow weaker."

I was surprised to hear Carlisle admit this—he hadn't said as much to me. It made me more than a little uneasy.

"But, it will stop, right? It will stop and he'll go back to normal…right?" The desperation in her voice almost brought me to tears again. I wished that he had an answer for her.

The answer he gave was not the one I would have liked. "I hope so, but only time will tell. We're doing what we can for him…but if it's not enough eventually he may grow so weak that he'll lose consciousness, and we won't be able to call him back."

I hadn't wanted her to know what could happen if this went badly, but I could hear the frustration in Carlisle's voice, and I knew he was telling her out of his own need to vent. I couldn't fault him for that. Everyone just wanted what was best for me.

"No, that can't…won't happen! He's stronger than that, I know he is!" Again, Bella's desperation nearly unhinged me, but I was happy that she hadn't given up on the hope that I could beat this.

"I've done some research, and there should be a turning point soon. I just wish there was something more I could do for him!" I heard a dull thud-his fist on the table?

"Can't you give him anything for the pain?"

"I would give anything to do that, but it just doesn't work that way. Human medicines work through the blood, so there's no way to distribute it, for our kind. All my medical knowledge, and it's all but useless when it comes to treating my own."

"I want to see him," Bella said bluntly.

"He's grown very weak now—I think you should be able to approach him quite closely without any danger to you. And you shouldn't be as much of a temptation for him, although we'll use the fan just in case." I couldn't argue with his assessment—at this point I couldn't have attacked her even if I had wanted to. That didn't make it any easier to accept, though, and the words still irritated me.

Outside my room, I heard Alice whisper, "you need to be warned. His eyes will be red when you see them."

I had forgotten that Bella hadn't seen me since Carlisle had begun giving me human blood. I knew it would be quite a shock for her to see my eyes a brilliant red—she never had before, even when I'd drunk her own blood to suck out James' venom and save her life. I wondered how she would react.

Suddenly I felt embarrassed by the change, as if it was some weakness of mine. I closed my eyes and turned my head away, trying to suppress the feeling so I could face her.

"Edward?" she whispered, and I rolled my head to the side and lifted my chin to look at her. It felt like forever since I'd seen her—I drank in every inch of her pale white skin, liquid chocolate eyes, and flowing mahogany locks.

She froze mid-step as she met my eyes for the first time, and I saw a flicker of fear? shock? disappointment? …something there, that she quickly covered as she continued across the room. The smile melted off my face as I pursed my lips and tore my eyes away from her. Even though I knew she meant nothing by it, her reaction still stung. What had I been expecting, really? Immediate acceptance that her boyfriend was now living off of human blood? I forced down my frustration and self-disgust—I didn't want to waste any of my time with her.

She stopped about two feet from the bed, and gave me a smile that lit up the room, and my world. I couldn't help but gaze at her, and flash her favorite crooked smile in return. I raised my arm and waved for her to come closer, since today we had that option.

"Are you sure?" she asked tentatively, and knowing Bella she was not worried about her own safety, but about me using my strength to resist her.

"Yes," I replied wearily, "my recent change in diet has resulted in a well‑fed and satisfied vampire, and besides, at this point I think even _you_ could stop me if I tried to overpower you." I chuckled at the sheer irony of my comment, after having spent so many months struggling to resist her enticing scent.

"How have you been?" she asked conversationally. My first instinct was to lie, but I had promised I wouldn't do that, and quite frankly it was too much effort right now.

"Not so great," I answered honestly, and I saw the fear wash across her face. She hadn't been expecting honesty, or else she truly believed that things were better than they were. _Damn._

I retreated immediately. "I'll be fine, though, you just wait and see," I told her with the warmest smile I could manage. I took her hand and squeezed it gently—it didn't feel quite as warm as it usually did, but the touch still set my skin aflame, and not with bloodlust. I gazed at her, willing my eyes to tell her how much I loved her, and to convince her that everything truly would be fine, somehow.

I closed my eyes for a moment—I'd lost the thread of our conversation, and couldn't seem to remember what I had wanted to tell her.

I startled as I felt her lips at my temple, my eyes opening at the touch. She moved closer as her hand clasped mine to her chest, and the electricity of desire shot from my hands directly into my groin. At least I hadn't lost _that_ instinct in all this mess… I closed my eyes again and breathed in her scent, sighing as I felt the familiar burn, tempered now by desire. Her fingers traced a line across my eyebrow and down, lingering seductively on the side of my jaw.

"Are you still having pain?" she asked softly, retracing the line with her fingers. I just wanted her to continue what she was doing and forget about the current time and place, but I realized as she stopped moving her fingers that she was waiting for an answer.

Honesty again, or half-truth? How about a little of both?

"Yes, but it's not nearly so…violent as before. I'm hoping that it's coming to an end." Yes, that sounded good. She didn't need to know that I thought the decrease in violence was because my body just couldn't react anymore, and that I feared the end that was coming was the wrong one. Half-truth.

That thought triggered a pang of bitterness too sharp to be contained, and so I ran with it, even though some part of me knew it was a mistake.

I looked at her warily, "There's only one other way a vampire can die, besides being ripped to pieces and burned…"

"Don't…" she whispered desperately, but I was well past caution, consumed by the unfairness of it all.

"…and I manage to contract it. The odds are still always stacked against us, aren't they?" I spat, the irony of our situation assaulting me anew. Vaguely, I realized this was a lapse in my emotional control, but I was past caring.

"Of all the stupid, idiotic…ridiculous…frustrating…!" I turned my face away, unable to look at her, my jaw set in a hard line. "The worst part is the helplessness—I remember that now from my last days as a human—just lying there, waiting for the illness to take me…" What memories I had flooded back to me, and again I wanted to punch something in sheer frustration.

"I just wish I could sleep, like you do," I said recklessly, "I would love to escape into oblivion…" And at that moment, I truly meant it, and not just to escape for a little while. Given the chance to end this odyssey then and there, I would have taken it, consumed as I was by frustration and bitterness.

The look on Bella's face was like a bucket of cold water, and I realized what I had done. I was immediately ashamed of my words—I had lost control in front of her—exactly what I had _not_ wanted to do.

"I…didn't mean forever," I lied sheepishly, and though she smiled at me, I knew that I had frightened her. But, now that I was here…

I fixed her with my most serious gaze. "But…if that were to happen…" She opened her mouth to protest, but I silenced her with my glare. I could still be dangerous, even if most of my usual weapons were dulled.

I began again, "but if that were to happen, I want you to promise me something."

She didn't answer, and I knew at once that she had learned her lesson about unconditional promises. Why did she have to figure that one out now?! If I couldn't get her agreement in advance, I would fight to get it after I made my request. "Promise me you won't do anything to yourself if anything happens to me."

She was about to protest, so I continued quickly, pressing my advantage, "this time it wouldn't be as if I left you by choice, it would be the same as dying if I were human. This happens to humans, and they move on. The very best gift you could give me…the most…peace of mind you could give me as I wait to see how this will turn out, is to promise me that you'll do your best to live a long and happy life no matter what happens to me. Can you do this for me, please?"

Again I was losing control, but if it got me what I wanted, then it was worth it. I knew the pain was written on my face and I hated for her to see it, but if I was truly almost out of time, I needed to know that she would continue on without me.

She looked into my eyes and whispered very quietly, "yes, I promise you." I couldn't believe that she'd said the words—I almost asked her to repeat herself, but I was afraid her answer would be different the second time.

"Now that I've promised, can we talk about something that's actually _going _to happen?" she asked, sounding exasperated.

She was right, enough of this. I had grown tired of talking about my own future (or lack thereof), and of having to concentrate so much on the conversation. I took my cue from her, and asked about school.

She spent the whole day with me, talking about this and that, or just being with me in companionable silence. It was glorious. Even though it seemed to become harder to focus as the day went on, I enjoyed every minute of it.

As the day passed, Carlisle brought me more blood to drink and Bella would vanish for a few moments. I didn't know if it was out of revulsion, or to keep me from embarrassment, but I was grateful nonetheless.

I had two episodes of pain during the day, and Bella stayed with me the whole time. I hadn't wanted her to see me like that, but since the convulsions had stopped there really wasn't much to see outwardly, so I allowed it. The pain was just as intense as it had ever been, and I struggled not to cry out in front of her. Somehow, I actually managed to remain silent through clenched teeth. Alice and Carlisle would come after Alice saw the pain begin—I didn't want to startle Bella by calling for anyone, and there was nothing they could do but watch anyway. Carlisle stood vigil over me, stroking my hair until I relaxed, his mind and expression curiously blank. I wondered how he was managing that.

I realized the second time that I was gripping Bella's hand with all the strength I had against the pain, and it wasn't enough to hurt her. I was truly frightened then. And I was tired, so tired. I felt raw and unfocused, and I lay there staring at nothing in particular, seemingly unable to collect my thoughts.

Eventually I glanced at Bella, and noticed that she was tense as a livewire. Was she afraid that I was still in pain? With difficulty, I thought back over our day and realized that Bella had not eaten that I had seen. I'd broken my promise to always feed the human. I hoped that she would forgive me just this once…

"Have you eaten at all today?" I asked, not entirely sure that she hadn't.

"No," she hesitated, "I've been…busy with other things."

"Go, get some dinner with Alice," I said, waving my hand in the direction of the door. "I think you need a human moment, or few moments, and I'll be here when you get back." I lifted my lips in a smile, but my eyes slowly drifted closed from exhaustion. Maybe I needed a few moments yet to try and collect myself…

"Okay," she agreed, "but I'll be back soon. Don't do anything fun without me." I didn't open my eyes, but the corners of my mouth rose in a soft smile.

As she left with Alice, I thought I heard someone else enter the room, but then there was only silence so I figured I had been wrong. I opened my eyes a while later to find Carlisle and Esme beside me, and I jumped a bit—I wasn't used to anyone being able to sneak up on me. I usually heard their thoughts long before they were able to get that close.

Come to think of it, the whole house had been eerily quiet for a while now. I had been focused on Bella all day, so I hadn't really been listening for anyone else, but still, I usually heard snatches of thoughts and conversations even when I _was_ focused on something else. I wondered if Carlisle had sent Emmett and Rose out of my range, or had asked everyone not to think so much for my benefit. No, what was I thinking? That wasn't even possible…

I looked at Carlisle and Esme, and I could sense nothing from either of them as they watched me, vampire still. "Carlisle, either you've stopped thinking, or I can't read your thoughts anymore," I said bluntly.

He animated immediately, putting his hand on my shoulder. "Edward, you haven't been able to read anyone since last night," he said gently. No…that wasn't possible, was it? I thought back as far as I could through the day, and I realized that Carlisle had spoken aloud to me every time we'd talked. I was immediately and irrationally annoyed.

"Why didn't you tell me?" I snapped.

"Would it have mattered?" he asked rhetorically, "or would it only have upset you, as it did just now?"

He had a point, and I knew it, but I still felt annoyed with him. I rubbed my forehead with my hand wearily, wishing that I could control the mood swings I seemed to be having. They were wearing me out, truly.

Just then, Bella reappeared in the doorway. Carlisle and Esme made to leave, but she raised her hand to stop them. "I think it's time I got a little sleep, since Alice invited me over. Why don't you stay with him for a while?" Her question was directed to them, but she was looking to me for the answer.

I smiled my agreement, and she crossed the room and took my hand. I pulled her closer, and she touched my lips with gentle pressure, and held there for a moment, eyes closed. I closed my eyes as well, breathing in her delicious scent for as long as I dared. When I opened my eyes, she squeezed my hand gently.

"I'll see you in a few hours," she said confidently, trailing her scent behind her as she left the room.

I had another attack of pain after she left, I think, and things were all hazy after that…


	5. Chapter 5

Something warm touched my hand, so I gripped back, absorbing the heat into my cold skin. Someone called my name, I think, so I opened my eyes. No one was there, so I was about to close them again, until I realized that the call was coming from my right side. With a supreme effort, I slowly turned my head toward the voice, and felt someone grip my chin, helping me to turn my head. It was Bella!

"Hey," she said, smiling at me, and I smiled back as broadly as I could. She seemed to be moving around quite a bit, but suddenly I felt her soft hand on the side of my face and it seemed to bring her into focus.

"Hi," I said lazily, "I'm so glad you're here." Hadn't she always been here? Had she gone somewhere? I couldn't remember…

"How was school today?" I asked, closing my eyes while I waited for her answer.

"Fine," she replied, "how was your day?"

How had my day been? And, what day was it? I struggled to remember what had happened since I last remembered seeing Bella. "There are…holes in my memory," I said uneasily, "but I think it's been better than yesterday. I don't think I've been in any pain…" Had I? _Why_ couldn't I remember?

"What can I do for you today?" Bella asked, continuing to stroke the side of my face. It felt so good…I hoped that she wouldn't stop. I wanted to stay with her, but I didn't know how…

"Talk to me," I breathed softly. I wanted to hear the sound of her voice…maybe that would keep her here, or me here, or…

She started speaking, and I couldn't keep up with the meaning of the words, so I just listened to the sweet sound of her voice…

"Edward? Edward!" Bella shrieked loudly. I breathed in quickly. Wha…? My lips felt dry, so I ran my tongue over them before replying, "Hmm?"

I heard Alice's voice through the fog that surrounded me. I smiled and mumbled, "Alice," hoping that she'd sit with me a while…

Carlisle was calling me. Was it time to get up already? _Not now, Dad, I'm trying to sleep_…no, that wasn't right. Vampires don't sleep. Where was I?

"Wha..? I…what happened?" I opened my eyes to see that I was lying on the hospital bed in my room, but Bella was lying on a cot beside me, a bandage on her arm. And…I could TASTE her amazing flavor on the back of my throat, the roof of my mouth. The sudden gush of venom forced me to swallow the taste rather than wallow in it…I suddenly came to my senses. "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!?" I cried, struggling to reach Bella. Carlisle held me down, but I was nearly a match for him.

Carlisle's voice overrode the commotion. "She's fine, I promise you! I did what was necessary, and _only _that, to save your life!" _Edward, can you hear me?_

"Of course," I snapped, still intent on getting to Bella to see for myself that she was okay.

_Do you remember what happened? That you had the vampire version of rabies and we almost lost you…_

The memories, or what I could remember, came flooding back then, and I stopped struggling. I looked at him questioningly.

_Thank goodness you can hear me again, _he thought, and I remembered then that I had lost the ability to hear thoughts, there at the end. _We did almost lose you, but I gave you some of Bella's blood after you lost consciousness…_

I interrupted him then. "Really?" I said incredulously. "_This_ is what you had to do…?"

"Yes," Carlisle replied gravely, "it was my last option—my only hope."

"I guess it worked," Edward observed. "When will she wake?"

"I…" began Carlisle.

"Mmmhere," Bella slurred. I looked at Carlisle in alarm.

_She's fine, really. I gave her some nitrous when I took her blood, to keep her calm. She's just a bit…loopy right now until the effects wear off._

I relaxed immediately. Bella _was_ safe. And so, apparently, was I. I quickly scanned my memories of the past week, and realized that I was in _much_ better shape than I had been since Wednesday. I felt…strong again. I looked at Carlisle for confirmation, and saw my own reflection in his mind. Wow! My eyes were RED. Bella's blood had given me an eye color darker and deeper than any I had ever seen, even on vampires who drank human blood regularly. She truly _was_ my singer, as Aro had said.

_You seem much better too, _Carlisle thought at me,and I smiled at him in response.

Bella opened her eyes, and they immediately widened as she stared at me.

I raised my head from the pillow and grinned in spite of myself, intensely relieved that the ordeal was over. I had won the fight to keep my life, and my love.

Carlisle came to stand beside Bella, holding the inside of her wrist. He counted silently, and then smiled at her. "Bella, you'll be a bit tired today, but you should be fine by the time Alice needs to take you back to your house."

I was eager for things to get back to normal, to put this awful week behind us. I looked at Bella and winked. "Yes, I guess I'll have to head back to school, too."

"Not so fast," replied Carlisle. "It will still be a few days until you're back to your old self, and you have the small issue that you look like you belong in a horror movie."

I snorted. It had been a long time since my eyes had been red, and I'd forgotten that it would take a few normal hunts to bring back the usual gold color.

"I think we will be able to give you some more of the donated blood now…" Carlisle rushed on as he saw my eyes widen, "just until you're back on your feet! Then you can go and hunt with your brothers and return to your normal diet…and appearance." Carlisle smiled at me, and I couldn't help but grin back—I was so thrilled that this was over!

Next, he turned to Bella. "Bella, you should be fine for the rest of the day here—I can't imagine that Edward would be tempted by you after the…excellent meal he just had." He was right about that—although Bella's flavor was irresistible and I couldn't help but relish the taste that still lingered in my throat, the thought of taking her blood by force was so repugnant I knew I would never come close to doing it again. I could tell that my self-control was firmly back in place, too. I was sure I couldn't hurt her.

"But you'll need to keep your distance until we can get him 'back on the wagon' again, so to speak."

I rolled my eyes at Carlisle—as if I was an alcoholic who had succumbed to temptation. One of our family's little private jokes, but I was pleased that Carlisle was relaxed enough to say it.

I ducked my head and gave Bella my most seductive look—I was ecstatic that I could tease her again! But it backfired, she laughed at me instead. Was I losing my touch? I teased playfully, "So, you couldn't resist sticking your neck out for me again, eh? You're at least one up on me now, you know."

She grinned at me impishly and reached over to take my hand. "Didn't you know? Donating blood saves lives!"

She was unbelievable. I couldn't help but chuckle at her bizarre sense of humor as I watched her eyes flutter closed. Yes, things would go back to normal, and I couldn't wait to start living life with my Bella again.


End file.
